What is love?

"Love," perhaps the single greatest element in human nature that makes us human.  Great tragedies have been written about it; songs have sang about its mythical powers; the greatest and humblest of men have been free to partake in its sweetness, but in all its glory, love is a mystery.  People are still baffled, confused, heartbroken, inspired, reborn, made whole, and brought to their knees by it.  

LOVE IS NOT A MATERIAL POSSESSION

To this day I am still in awe of the power of love; I do not profess to know its many secrets, but I have realized what it is not.  I think the one mistake people make is think of love as a material possession, i.e., it is something to own and once you have it, you get to keep it forever like the house that you've paid your mortgage on.  Not so at all!  Love instead is like a living, growing being such as a tree that requires continued nourishment, water, sunshine, patience, and tender loving care.  And like a tree, should you ever stop providing these things, the tree would wither and slowly die.  Of course, the stronger and bigger the tree, the more resilient it would be to the harshness of neglect, but the younger it is the easier it will perish in the face of any neglect.    

I realized this when reflecting on my personal life and those of the people around me.  I treated love like a material possession.  I had tried to be someone else so that I could satisfy the man that I wanted to marry.  I got what I wanted; we got married because I was very good at making promises that I only halfheartedly committed to.  I thought, "just be like this for a bit longer until we get married, then everything would be fine once I have him totally to myself."  Well, four stormy years later filled with tears, heartbreak, and disappointment on both sides, all that is left is our pending divorce.  I have no regrets only the sadness that I was not truer to myself and him from the beginning, and in the end both of us were badly hurt.  It took four long years to realize this.  If I had been truer to myself from the beginning I would have realized that he was not the right person for me.  And we would never have gotten married.

The secret to happiness?

This seems to be an ageless question explored by the greatest of minds and the humblest of souls.  It seems to be a question I've been asking all my life, to no avail.  It is only now I am starting to understand what it means to be happy.  I think the reason why this question is so hard to answer is because most people view happiness as something external to us. It's not something we can provide for ourselves, but instead something that needs to be possessed like a car or something.  "I will be happy when I land that 6-figure salary job; when I get my million dollar house; when I find my prince charming; when I win the lottery!"

But Marie Curie once said, "We must believe that we are all gifted for something, and this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained."  This "thing," whatever you want to call it, perhaps your destiny, perhaps your soul, perhaps your inner voice; it is the realization of this destiny or the fullest expression of this inner voice that one achieves true happiness in life.

Perhaps you don't know what is your destiny?  I certainly don't.  It's not so concrete or simple as "I want to have a million dollars."  Instead, I think that in all of us there is a inner voice waiting to be heard.  I certainly feel it in myself.  Recently, I just finished reading a deeply moving book, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  The novel beautifully weaves a story of a young shepherd on a journey that takes him into distant lands where he discovers his destiny and the secret to happiness.  On the journey the boy learns that "change through love" is the means to find your destiny.  

"Change through love." When I read this verse it was as though a flash went off, as though everything I have been feeling coalesced and became so clear and obvious.  These few words reveal that when you do something out of love, you are listening to your heart and you come one step closer to your destiny, you come one step closer to finding true happiness.  "Change" is the personal growth that one undergoes.  Change through self-improvement, through personal growth, through your personal enlightenment driven by the love of the thing you are pursuing, is the act of fulfilling your destiny.  I repeat, "We must believe that we are all gifted for something, and this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained." This "gift" that is within all of us is only fully manifested when we pursue it through love.  Love is the only force powerful enough that will reveal the hidden potential within all of us.

People can be motivated by many things-fear, insecurity, anger, hatred, envy, revenge, even a sense of inferiority, and being motivated in this fashion may also help you attain your personal goals.  But I believe only driven through love can a person fully express that inner voice we all have within ourselves.  It's a voice that tells me when I haven't been true to myself; that I've made decisions for the wrong reasons; that I haven't been living up to my potential; that I'm allowing others to control my life because I'm too scared to be heard; that I've traded up something important within myself.  It's that gnawing restlessness you feel in your heart.  It happens when you know you're staying at a job because you're too scared to leave; when you sit at a conference table and choose to agree because you want to please your boss; when you befriend others because of what they own instead of who they are; when you drown your soul in mindless distractions such as TV, food, and pursuit of material goods.  For a short time during those mindless distractions you will experience a great high, perhaps like taking drugs, but then you'll crash and be left with an emptiness so devoid of life that it would suffocate you.  The suffocation would be so unbearable that it'll just drive you towards these distractions again, sinking yourself deeper into a dark abyss.   

We all have an inner voice, those who have the courage to listen will hear it loud and clear, but those who don't will only hear it softly.  They will hear it crying softly in the dark recesses of their hearts on silent nights when they have temporarily sobered, and be filled with a deep sense of regret.  But the next day as they fill their lives with the normal hustle and bustle of things "they have to do," that voice will disappear in the clamor of everything else.  But that gnawing feeling will always resurface again in your moments of sobriety.  But as you continue to ignore this voice, it would eventually grow so soft that you would barely notice it.

But we must always remember, that voice is there, we need only to have the courage and faith to listen to it.  

Our Own Prison Cells

Prison is not a four-walled cell but instead a limitation of one's mind.  We view people in jail as having lost their freedom but in reality most of us are living in our own prison cell; it may not be a physical prison, but nonetheless we build a prison around our fears, insecurities, biases, and refusal to go beyond our comfort zones.

As humans, most of us mistake the pursuit of physical freedom as achieving freedom, but in reality, true freedom is the unshackling of one's mind.  Buddha once said, "The mind is everything.  What you think you become."  And so too, what you do not think will be your lost opportunities.  How is our habitual scheduled lives really that different from a prisoner in jail; he has his "room", he can go to the bathroom, cafeteria, gym, even outside.  Albeit, he lives in a much more dangerous environment and he has less "variety" in landscape, but nonetheless the difference is merely in one's mind.   We may believe we are free to go anywhere we please, but in reality, most of us travel on very set and limited routes: home, school, work, grocery, shopping mall, kitchen, flopping down in front of your 50 inch flat screen?  A prisoner is a prisoner because of his faults, while most of us are prisoners because of our habits.  We are merely shuffling from one familiar room to the next in a seemingly endless cycle.

And so the value of freedom is not physical emancipation but mental. Because most of us already have physical freedom; we can climb the tallest mountains, we can sore across the skies, we can see the great oceans and the expanse of human diversity throughout the world but yet most of us do not, instead we continue to be shackled to our safe and familiar routes.  

And so what is true freedom?  I believe we all have an inner voice; a creative voice that yearns to be heard but yet we suppress because of our fears and insecurities, and we dull through our gluttonous consumption of aimless amusements, distractions and mundane errands.  We fill our lives with distractions that we tell ourselves we have to do; "I've got to get my hair done," "I have to pick up my dry cleaning," "I have to go shopping," "I have to try out that new restaurant."  We bombard our lives with a never ending string of "I have tos" without realizing that they are instead "I want to distract myself with..."  Would the world truly come to a screeching halt if we simply said "no more!" 

There is always something to learn, something to create, something to improve, in which these activities tap into that inner creative voice that we are all born with.  But it is sometimes terrifying to hear that voice; it is almost like being naked in front of the world for all to see your many defects and flaws.  But then, is it not better to express the full potential of who you can be, even with all its flaws and defects, than to never do so at all?  Even so, I still struggle with hearing my inner voice and letting it be heard.  I still find myself easily giving into the "clamor" of aimless activities such as surfing the Internet mindlessly, drowning my soul in food, filling my eyes with movies, allowing my mind to go numb like a blinking cursor.    

But I know to achieve true freedom, I must listen to that inner creative voice.  And when you do, the world will dramatically change; it will no longer be hierarchical but horizontal because you will realize that the only barrier to your freedom will be yourself.  It will no longer be your boss, your job title, your station in life, your family, your friends, your misfortune of being born with an overactive hypothalamus!  Instead it will only be you and your fear in listening to your inner compass.  You are the only one keeping yourself from achieving your dreams.  

When you achieve true freedom, i.e., freedom from your fears and insecurities, the clamor of your petty wants magically vanish to be replaced by an inner glow of your true self.   

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." -- Henry Ford 

Fighting for your life: the enemy from within

Envision, create, and believe in your own universe, and the universe will form around you.--Tony Hsieh 

I'm learning in life that you have to fight for your vision. Everyday is a battle, not between you and the rest of the world, but ironically against yourself, i.e., the skeletons that haunt your closets.  Everyone has these phantoms in the darkest recesses of their minds, they are your fears of failure, of being criticized, of facing rejection, of even trying sashimi and that green stuff!

How many of us have not spoken up for fear of being ridiculed; how many of us have failed to try for fear of rejection; how many of us go home and sink into the comfortable routine of entertainment TV, Online games, facebook, sugary foods and drinks where we consume the products created by other people as we watch on enviously those few who became players, while we sit on the sidelines, forever spectators.  

I always have to remind myself the meaning behind my blog's title, Julie's chopping block; the title reflects a fundamental belief that to find meaning in your life, you have to put yourself out there without fear of ridicule, criticism, rejection or failure.  In fact, it is embracing these "phantoms" that one is able to learn and excel, avoiding them only makes you into a deluded fool.   

Aristotle once said:

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.

 Of course, this is easier said than done, and "putting yourself on the chopping block" can be psychologically debilitating, but in retrospect, the pain is truly all in your mind.  Most of the time, there is no real bodily harm unless you live in an authoritarian regime, but that's getting off topic.  Assuming you live in a democratic society like the United States, then putting yourself out there to express your creativity has never been easier.

The Internet has made information virtually free and accessible to all, and never has it been easier to learn and be heard.  But yet so many of us continue to live as though in an authoritarian regime, keeping silent and passive for fear of reprisal.  But what reprisal is there?   Reflecting on my own life, there is only the reprisal of emotional discomfort that comes from fear of failure, and the big scary "unknoooown."  But is that really worth giving up your dreams?  Everyone has to answer that for themselves, but for me, I think not.

And so, everyday is a battleground where you have to fight for your vision, i.e., the vision you have for your life, the vision you have for the world you want to create. It will not be easy because you will face a great wall of resistance, which will shake your confidence, your faith, the very core of your identity, because in the beginning you will be laughable, you will be foolish, and you will "suck".  But your greatest enemy won't be the audience laughing at you, instead it will be you.  Because it will be your choice to give-up or persevere.  And should you persevere and learn from your experiences, you will in fact be building your foundations on solid rock.  Even the greatest pros were amateurs once.

I remember going to a local artist joint where a young musician was playing.  He definitely had raw talent but he was kind of weird, he had on thick glasses (Harry Potter's double?), was obviously nervous and kept on saying the dumbest things, quite a dork!  But later on, I was ashamed of myself because he at least had the balls to pursue his dreams, whereas I was sitting in the dark amongst a sea of faceless spectators, merely pointing and snickering but having no more of a spine than a jellyfish.

So if ever you find the courage to climb "onstage" and see people snickering instead of applauding, find comfort in the fact that you, at least, are no longer a faceless, nameless spectator, but a real player on the way to transforming your vision into a reality.   

Lessons from "The NeverEnding Story" on life and achieving success?

One of my favorite movies growing up was The NeverEnding Story, the first one.  It's strange going back and re-watching movies at different stages of one's life, it touches you differently. (Try it out!)

As a child, the movie was simply an awesome fantastical adventure; I was enthralled by the world of Fantasia, all it's colors, sounds, sights, and endearing characters.  But re-watching it this time, now in my odd thirties, the movie has touched me deeply in a different way.

Even though it is a children's story, The NeverEnding Story offers wise lessons into finding meaning and success in life. How? It demonstrates the greatest treasure we possess as human being: the capacity for creativity, perseverance, determination, and the courage to pursue one's dreams.

How to gain control over your destiny?

I believe the true challenges in life do not come from outside but instead from within.  In other words, it's the internal conflict we have with ourselves that results in our failures.

For example, let's choose weight loss.  There is a major conflict between our desire to lose weight and eat yummy foods, i.e., wanting to look hot, live healthier, be a better "you" vs. wanting the comfort, instant gratification, and "happiness" that comes from giving into your cravings.

This internal conflict is like a paralysis, because it prevents you from fully exercising and expressing your will, and hence fulfilling your "destiny."  In this case, let's say my true "will" is to lose weight, but I have a terrible weakness for yummy foods, especially the sweet, creamy, gooey type.  Put a chocolate cake with ice-cream and caramel swirls in front of me and I'll sell out my mom!

But every time you "give in", a little part of you becomes more despaired because you've just willingly given up more control of your life (for cake!).  As a consequence, it's not possible that you would be happy, because you're preventing yourself from living a life that you want, instead your life is being controlled, even enslaved by something else. Ironically, this something else is actually of your own doing!

Taking 100% responsibility for your decisions

A common theme among motivational books is the idea of achieving success by taking 100% responsibility for your decisions.  Most of us like to blame external factors for our failures, such as "the dog ate my homework," but when you take 100% responsibility, everything becomes your "fault."  This means zero tolerance for excuses; no more, "I can't lose weight because there are no healthy choices near work," "I can't stand my job," "I can't stand my marriage," "I can't stand my life," or simply "I can't do it because it's too HARD!"

However "true" the excuse is, it is still an excuse because YOU ultimately agree, through the choices you make AND don't make, to the conditions presented to you.  This is at once terrifying as it is empowering, because now it would always be your "fault." But at the same time, you would be empowered to pave your own destiny.

An excuse is still an excuse even though "It's too hard!"

I struggle every day to fully express my will; I struggle with controlling my diet (arrrrr Haagen Dazs....); I struggle with my fears; I struggle with pushing against my comfort zone, as most of us do. And unfortunately, I'm often on the losing end of my struggles, i.e., I give into my cravings (damn those double-fudge cookies), I give into my fears of failure, fears of taking risks, fears of the unknown, even fear of the Ronald McDonald clown!

As a consequence, my failure to gain mastery over myself leads me to make dumb decisions, and hence prevents me from achieving my true goals in life.  But even so, I am not fooled into believing that it wasn't of my own doing.  I am the one who bought that tub of ice-cream, bag of Oreos, box of powered donuts, and the list goes on.

Taking 100% responsibility is not easy, if it were, the quest for happiness and success would not be so elusive.  Nonetheless, I firmly believe that mastery over self gains control over life.  Now isn't that something worthwhile to achieve?

Finding your real life by unshackling yourself from your fake life

I've been reading the work of a wonderful motivational blogger, Benny Hsu, who wrote Get A Life That Doesn't Suck.  (Get it free from Benny by joining his mailing list)  He recounts he was living an imaginary life; "From the outside my life may have seemed perfect, but inside I felt anger and sadness. I thought I would never find happiness"

To me Benny was failing to put himself out there, he was instead held prisoner to the fake "great" life that he was trying to maintain.  We all do this, i.e., pretend to have a life whereby other people can be envious of, but instead of garnering envy, we dig our own grave.

My story is not that different.  I grew up with a silver-spoon in my mouth, I felt entitled to a privileged life, graduated from fairly good schools, NYU and Columbia University, worked for the government as a speechwriter, got married to a man who made a 6-figure salary, got a decent-sized diamond ring in the process that received "ohhh" and "ahhhhs" from coworkers; life seemed envious.

There was only one problem, I was miserable.  I felt my life was going no where, my marriage was in shambles; you can't imagine two people more incompatible for each other.  If he was square, I was a circle; if he was an apple, I was a hamburger; if he was right, I was wrong left.  It was a relationship that went against the laws of nature, it simply didn't work.  But it took me four long grueling years to fully accept that.

Why did it take that long?  Besides sentimental reasons, a major factor was because I was afraid of giving up the pretense of my "privileged life" and so refused to see the truth of my sorry state.  I was afraid my friends, my coworkers, even strangers! would think I was a loser, but I didn't realize that I was truly a loser by believing I wouldn't be a loser if I lived this pretense of a life.  I allowed myself to be shackled by the expectations of society.

At the end of it, I was a full-time housewife. I'd been out of the job market for two-years and didn't know what I could do.  I was so afraid of leaving, "what if I couldn't get a job?", "what if I got a sucky job, I could never hold up my head anymore!"

And so I stayed for all the wrong reasons, for selfish reasons, and in the process I hated myself for it, i.e., for doing the wrong thing that inevitably hurt myself and my husband.

But things got so bad that the pain of staying was more than the pain of leaving.  At that point, I truly hit rock bottom, I no longer cared about what happened to me, I only knew I had to leave.  I didn't care if I had to work as a waitress, at Starbucks, at a grocery store, at the gas station, I didn't care if the whole world laughed at me, I had to get out of there.

And so I left, and never looked back.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done! 

Although, I did have a choice to run back home to "mommy and daddy," where I knew I would have a safe haven, and perhaps an easier time rebuilding my life, but I chose not to.  Why?  Because  I wanted to kill once and for all the skeletons in my closest, i.e., all that imaginary pretense that I wanted to live up to.  I knew to unshackle myself of all that garbage, I had to allow myself to hit rock-bottom, to have nothing and nobody; to come face-to-face with the ugly truth of my life, to not be afraid of doing "whatever to takes" to survive and persevere, even if I needed to work at a menial job.  But I would rebuild my life with my own bare hands from scratch!

And so I did; I left, moved to another state, got a job in retail, making near minimum wage, and this is where I am now.  It's been about 6 months since I left, I'm barely making enough to cover my monthly expenses, but I've never felt freer or more in control of my life.  For the first time I'm confronting my adversities; I'm building a new life for myself through sheer determination, and ingenuity.  And I've never felt more confident or a greater sense of self-worth.

Everyone is shackled to some degree by the expectations of society, but the more you are, the more you will suffocate.  You will never be in control of your life because other people are making decisions for you.  It won't be easy, nothing in life worth fighting for is easy, but when you unshackle yourself from the expectations of society, from your friends, from your coworkers, from your parents, from even the stupid expectations you had of your own life, then, will you be truly free.  Only then will you be living your own life.

For all the women out there, or anyone out there that is scared to make that "epic" leap in your life, remember it's never as bad as you think it is.  Trust in yourself and your abilities, you are stronger than you think.  I have created this blog as much for myself as for you because I hope the strength of determination from other people will help you find your own inner strength.

Finding direction -- the Opportunistic Scavenger vs. the Devout Saint

I have always been envious of people who knew what they wanted to do, i.e., doctor, lawyer, engineer, stockbroker, etc and happily these professions all paid high dividends.  They've figured it all out and now they're going places.  But were they?  I think even the people who "know" what they want to do in life, and happily choose a profession that pays well and is envied in society, actually don't, instead they are fulfilling an expectation, i.e., expectations from parents, from friends, from society, from everyone else but themselves.  And as they gain more social status, achieve more material wealth, it just gets harder and harder to give it up for a dream that may require sacrificing everything for no guaranteed payoff.  Scary!

Finding direction is perhaps one of the hardest things in life.  I've never had direction, I've only had "wants", selfish "wants" such as I want to be famous, I want to be rich and famous, I want to be rich and famous and adored, and the list goes on.  What I wanted wasn't to pursue a dream but to have life handed to me on a silver platter, which has gotten me nowhere.

Now starting on my journey of change, finding direction is the scariest, and most difficult task I have yet to confront.  There is this constant tug-of-war between two personalities: the "opportunistic scavenger" vs. the "devout saint."  The opportunistic scavenger thinks only in terms of rewards, i.e., what can I do to achieve riches and fame and global adoration.  She has no principles, she has no purpose, heck, she has no dream.  She only thinks of me, me, me, and what "I" want from the world, as oppose to what I can give to the world.  The first sign of a challenges sends her fleeing because, heck, she wants rewards not hardships!

The devout saint on the other hand thinks only in terms of how to fulfill her calling in life.  She has principles, she has a dream, she has a purpose, and she has drive.  She lives up to her principles with saintly devotion because she knows those principles will help guide her on her arduous journey to fulfill her purpose in life. She embraces sacrifice as a means to achieve her goal as oppose to obstacles to derail her.  Of course she is plagued with doubts, but she doesn't give into them and pursues her calling like a religion.

Even though I struggle with these two personalities, I know in the end, that it is in the devout saint that I will find true happiness and success.  And I have started on my journey to transform myself into the devout saint, i.e., a person who unwavering pursues her dream in the face of adversity.

Knowing what your true calling in life is difficult.  It's not like in fantasy fiction where you're the "chosen one" and you have one clear destiny to fulfill.  But at the same time, we all do have a destiny to fulfill.  A destiny that goes beyond the mundane "puttering" in pursuit of physical comforts and our station in life.

It is about using your creativity, you talent, your energy to create a masterpiece for yourself and the world. This masterpiece can be mastery of a talent, a skill, an idea, a piece of music/ art/ writing, an act of selfless kindness, or even a fundamental change to human civilization.

In the end, the greatest journey is discovering and unearthing your inner masterpiece.  

I can't tell you what is your true calling, heck! I'm not even sure what mine is.  But it is something you HAVE to discover yourself; the journey is an essential part of the process.  However, there are symptoms to look out for.  If any of these symptoms exists, you better reflect hard on your life and make some changes.

1. You have no goal in mind, except of being rich and famous?
2. You like to blame others and point to excuses for your failures?
3. You have no set principles, and make them up to suit your present mood?
4. You give up at the first sign of hard work?
5. You distract yourself with watching TV, personal grooming, shopping, eating, sending virtual cupcakes to all your friends, or any other activity that is consumptive in nature.  
6. Somewhere deep inside of you, you hear an inner voice that says you're short-changing yourself?  

Putting yourself on the chopping block: part I

I'VE been meaning to write this post but have been putting it off because I wasn't sure I could find the words to express my feelings.

So the reason I named this blog, Julie's chopping block, is not because it's going to be about cooking, but more as a metaphor for achieving true success and happiness.

Oprah Winfrey once said that: 

"You will find true success and happiness if you have only one goal.  There really is only one, and that is this: To fulfill the highest, most truthful expression of yourself as a human being.  You want to max out your humanity by using your energy to lift yourself up, your family, and the people around you....'Don't ask yourself what the world needs.  Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.'"

I think her words captures the essence of what I am feeling.  You have to put yourself "out there" on the "chopping block" where you will be laid bare before the world, before even yourself, completely open, transparent and vulnerable to be judged, tested, even ridiculed, laughed at.  It'll be at times an agonizing journey, but only then, only when you are willing to put yourself out there on the chopping block are you truly fulfilling "the highest, most truthful expression of yourself."

As humans, we are all born with curiosity, which is truly a great heavenly gift that grants us the ability to create.  I believe this is the secret to true happiness and success: the act of creation, which is the most intimate and true expression of your soul.  But unfortunately, our society slowly stumps out this natural gift and so by the time we are adults, we have been conditioned to conform, to follow instructions, to essentially be cogs in a machine.

We shun our natural curiosity and let our ability to create wither away as we inundate our lives with the activity of consumption.  We gladly sit in front of the TV for hours on end, as oppose to stretching our imagination to create our own stories; we gladly spend hours shopping for material goods we don't need to fill an empty void, instead of finding the courage to test our own skills and express our own designs.

I named this post "Part I" because I know I will come back to it and expand on it continuously as I learn and grow.  Achieving true happiness and success is, as Oprah puts it, a singular and very straightforward goal, but it is a goal that I believe, is a long journey that requires a lifetime of learning, reflection, and truthfulness to yourself.

Overcoming the hobgoblins of failures

We all have gone through it, the indignation, anger, then heartbreak, agony, shame, and ultimately depression that comes with failures.  Whether you failed to land that dream job, failed to even get a "hello" back from the thousands of resumes sent out (I mean, there must be some Internet black hole sucking up all the resumes before they reach their intended recipients!), failed to get chosen, failed to get loved, failed to get thin, failed to win the lottery!

We all know the hobgoblins that creep up and start whispering horrible things into our ears: that we're not smart enough, not good enough, not worthy enough, not skilled enough, and just don't have what it takes so pack up and go home!

But STOP!  Don't listen to them, instead dig your heels deeper, grind your teeth, chew on ice if you need to, but stay on your course.  

I've created this blog to collect some of the most inspirational stories out there, namely of famous people who went through mind-boggling failures to get to where they are.  Hence, "a thousand failures for one great success story."  Hopefully, their stories will also help inspire you to find your own inner strength to overcoming your own hobgoblins of failures.